Be of Good Cheer - Hell is Funny
As Published On
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It would be unfair of me to copyright these two wonderful vignettes, the authorship of which is unclear. The first was forwarded to me by a friend who is a former radiation safety technician and the second by a former college president.
Hell is Funny
ONE: The Chemistry Examination
The following is an actual question given on chemistry mid term. The professor shared the best answer (below) with colleagues.
Q: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their propsals using “Boyle’s
Law” (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant…
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, “It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you”, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God!”.
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TWO: The Senator and St. Peter
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official up here, so we’re not quite sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.
“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. I think we'll have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“So sorry, but we have our rules.” nd with that, St. Peter escorts the enator to the elevator, and he goes down to hell.
The doors open. He is in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance, he can see a clubhouse, standing in front of which are all his friends and the other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone seems very happy and is decked out in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who turns out to be a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing with the ladies and telling jokes to the guys. Everyone is having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves up at him while the elevator rises and rises. After a few minutes, the door reopens in heaven.
St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it's time to visit heaven,” he says.
The next 24 hours pass quickly. The senator joins a group of contented souls who move from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They all have a good time and, before he realizes it, his second 24 hours have slipped by.
St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I really think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and his ride vanishes into the sky.
The senator is standing in the middle of a barren, bleak landscape, covered with human waste and garbage. There, all his friends, dressed in rags, are bent over picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. Trash keeps falling from above in a never ending stream.
He feels a familiar arm around his shoulder. It is the devil, every bit as jolly as before.
“I don't understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and we had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles. Then he says:
“Yesterday we were campaigning…. Today you voted.”
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The End
